• 15th April
    2014
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  • 14th April
    2014
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  • 4th April
    2014
  • 04

And Now, A Letter from Your Gynecologist

I got a call from my Mom today telling me that I got a letter in the mail from my gynecologist. I asked her about my test results from my physical and she said, “Yeah. The letter has a big yellow smiley face on it. Your results are normal.” ………. My gynecologist responds to my vagina with emoticon print-outs.  

This Walmart rollback smiley face is the first thing that came to mind when I heard about the letter. It’s good to know that Walmart’s vagina is normal too, considering it’s international. Does this mean that my vagina has a lot to offer with considerably low prices? And what other emoticons are there for people with vagina problems? 

"It’s silly that you thought you’d get out of this physical with good news."

"Look at you, you little virgin!"

"KEGELS OF STEEL MEANS KEGELS OF AWESOME! …But you’re infected."

"RX: Vagina rehab" 

"Come back to the office ASAP."

What if I got a picture of my gynecologist smiling instead? There is a specific occupation for photographers who take headshots of gynecologists to break the news to their patients via the U.S. Postal Service. You get a big, yellow envelope in the mail from the doctor; rip it open; find a big, glossy, professional picture of your gynecologist; flip it over; and… “IT’S THE SYPH!!!!” 

Welcome to ‘Merica. 

  • 24th February
    2014
  • 24

20-Nothings and Acting like a Brat in a Department Store so your Mom will Retweet You

I realized something today when I was speaking to one of my coworkers about her upcoming birthday. She said, “I just wish I could be 21 forever. My brother just turned 25! 25 always seemed so old to me but now I don’t think 25 is so old.” Besides the obvious element that my coworker will soon “be feeling 22” (as has been made popular through the rediscovery of Atlantis scrolls from 400 BC), I started thinking about what it means to be a 20-something. Since I turned 20, my tag on my blog has said “I’m a 20-something girl.” This is mostly because I figured the tag would last 10 years and I was too lazy to go in every year and change it. But it’s also because I think it sounds cool to be a 20-something girl coming of age in a turbulent, fast-paced, fashionable world. In reality, I’ve been 0-1 years above 20 which is practically nothing. The idea of 20-something is that you have reached 20 years of age and have continued on with a few other years under your belt. It’s the idea of grouping the category of 20-and-more-year olds that suddenly makes it okay for a 24 year old to date a 29 year old, though they would have been much farther apart in grade school maturity 10 years earlier. Honestly, I’ve had 20 years under my belt with 0-1 more years added on. I’ve really been a 20-nothing rather than a 20-something. It’s pretty sad to think about, isn’t it? Being a 20-something really means T-10 more years until my boobs sag and I have to start procreating because it is “my right as a woman” to lose my booty and my kegel muscle strength. 

I don’t think I’ve said this on my blog yet but… Lena Dunham is amazing. I’m in love and I want to be her best friend. But I’m sure I have to get in line. I had low expectations for the third season of her HBO series after the first two episodes, but it has recently gotten so good! Even my boyfriend will sit and laugh with me. I’ve started to enjoy her little videos after the episodes that explain her reasoning for writing the way she did. One of my harshest criticisms of her as a celebrity is that she doesn’t really give back to her fanbase following her on Twitter and Instagram. She seems so hoity toity in her social media delivery and her fans are pushing so hard for a response. The videos after the show seem to be filling a kind of “real Lena” void in fans but I still can’t get past the social media element. It seems so snobbish to be such a voice for current college students and grads who are looking to make a way in the world and have taken up this hobby of watching her work to connect to their own difficult lives of being “20-somethings” or “20-nothings.” Lena Dunham has been given so much praise for her humor, insight, and bravery on screen, and yet she doesn’t reach out to her public. It’s a serious celebrity lack to be honored with such titles and then to shirk away from the fans. I probably sound bitter because she never retweets me… I’m like a little kid at a store with my mom. I know I’m being annoying so I keep pushing to make her mad like a little brat. That’s what I do with Lena. I started making pubic hair comments about some of the nudity in the new season and I probably didn’t even get a look! Girl, you voted for Obama to help the middle class, but we all know how much money you have. If you’re not going “to be the voice of your generation…or A voice….of A generation”… get off the podium. 

  • 18th February
    2014
  • 18

Parasitic Cookies and My Fetus Play

I really want a cookie. It’s moments like these where I would love to walk over to the freezer, pick out the three boxes of girl scout cookies making a dent there, and literally make so many cookie memories. I’ll take them with me to tap class in the morning, give them a tour of the art class I suck at, take them with me to lunch, see if I can get them dates with the food I eat there, giggle with them over my Avenue Q script, and tuck them into bed with me and Bojangles at the end of the night. But then, it will start. They won’t leave me alone. The honeymoon period will end and they’ll just be on my ass everyday watching me tap and fuck up a stupid drawing of a fruit bowl! In case you couldn’t tell, I am angry about my art class….and parasitic girlscout cookies that rape me of my dignity. 

So, I wrote a play about a dead fetus for my scriptwriting class… Does this paragraph need more info or should I just throw myself off a cliff? It is an intro class and all the other students are writing about couples fighting, dealing with grief, and staged shipwrecks (literally awful). I on the other hand, have written a play in which a drunk guest speaker brings up her experience with a fetus in an attempt to be motivational at a high school national honor society induction. Still awful? Probably. I might wear red to the reading. And huge sunglasses to reflect the looks of my peers who won’t know how to respond but to summarize everything that happened in the reading and annoy the teacher who still has five more plays to workshop in fifty minutes and a better life waiting for him outside the auditorium doors. 

Is it weird that I giggle every time my Macbook is charged at 69%?

  • 18th February
    2014
  • 18

shmapey:

justmyflawedlogic:

lokisgloriouspenis:

okay today i learned that apparently the penis has a say in whether or not a child will be a boy or a girl

female sperm swims slower than male sperm, but the males can’t swim for as long as the females. this means that a long penis will be closer to the egg when releasing the sperm, and there will be a higher chance for the child to be a boy.

so in conclusion

if you have a lot of sons you have a big dick

image

image

THIS IS MY NEW FAVORITE POST

(Source: leethepace, via lifeaspaige)

  • 18th February
    2014
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  • 17th February
    2014
  • 17
  • Friend: So how do you think you've changed since high school?
  • Me: Well I became aware of oppressive power structures and how we are complicit in them and now seek to dismantle them.
  • Friend: ...
  • Me: I also think I got hotter.
  • 17th February
    2014
  • 17
  • 16th February
    2014
  • 16
  • 16th February
    2014
  • 16

Glasses Rachel Vs. Non-Glasses Rachel in Thumb Wars

So I keep telling myself that I’m going to make a post. When I do that, I think of all the funny things I’m going to write in said post. Then I sit down at the computer and…. I forget all the things. #Tumblrproblems 

When I work at “the bag store,” there are two kinds of days: days where I wear my horn-rimmed Ray-Ban’s and days where I don’t wear my horn-rimmed Ray-Ban’s. On the days where I wear them, I am convinced that I look like a complete pro to strangers. I’m trendy, personable, memorable, and almost too cool to be working there. If you come to me, bitch, imma make you over starting with your vacant arm(s). Rachel with glasses says stuff like, “The color of that bag is a little too orange for your skin tone. You need something pinker or it washes you out.” OR “Whenever I have to make a decision with two bags, I look at them on me in the mirror. That is the BEST way to make this decision.” OR “Look at the way your arm can just rest on the bag! Doesn’t that feel comfortable?” She is even cool to the bored husbands: “I keep telling them they need to put a bar in here!” Glasses Rachel knows how to hook you up. Then, there’s Rachel without glasses. She looks a lot like the other associates without the glasses but she still gets the same amount of sales. I’ll have to do some scientific testing on Glasses Rachel versus Non-glasses Rachel, or some kind of poll that I hand out after I help someone. It will just be a flyer that asks, “How different would your handbag buying experience have been had your sales associate not been wearing glasses?” That’ll help.

I had an incredible Valentine’s Day with my boyfriend this week. He bought me a teddy bear that we named Bojangles. I have recently learned that it is a fast-food restaurant chain based out of South Carolina. It turns out that our bear doesn’t stand for the beating hearts of lovers everywhere and the warmth of bedtime bear presents when Andrew’s presence is naught. *Tear* Instead, it stands for death by heart disease. Speaking of fatty arteries, I’m on a new diet that I’ve already lost more than five pounds on! There has been a temporary setback due to the amount of Valentine candy and Girl Scout cookies I have received from donors who will remain anonymous because I don’t want to have to be charged with their murders yet (JK). But I’m trying to go to the gym more, I’m eating less, eating healthier, drinking more water, and I’m trying to be stronger than my boyfriend so I can finally beat him at thumb wars with my incredibly beefy arms. 

Well, I need to go stream the new episode of Girls on HBOGo…. Soooo bye! 

  • 23rd January
    2014
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  • 23rd January
    2014
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  • 23rd January
    2014
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  • 23rd January
    2014
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